totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
