Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
