i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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