You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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