I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
