I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
