she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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