pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
