Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
