just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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