I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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