Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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