We're like a lot better than the average bears
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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