you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
