Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
