we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
