I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
