I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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