I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Damn victory sex feels great
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
