dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We need to rekindle our bromance
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All the doctor said was why
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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