My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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