Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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