just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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