There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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