i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
