one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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