did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
