I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
40s are totally the cure
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
