sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Found the puke drawer
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
