I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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