how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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