Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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