Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
