I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
