I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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