does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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