I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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