Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
