Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
