I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
