I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
