the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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