and my herpes radar will keep us safe
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
