Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
