I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
