shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
