worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
