remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
