I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
