i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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