Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
