I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
