I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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