We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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