She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
