Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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