When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
