i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
