If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
