I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
